I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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