a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
