This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
