You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
