420 ftw
I just pynch a tree in the face
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
