I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
