Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just made my gag reflex go away.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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