White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
