she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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