I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
