ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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