dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Pooping to opera.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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