New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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