just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's shark week go big or go home
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
