My first STD was from a foam party
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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