I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
