I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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