The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
