If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
