I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
