I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
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oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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