so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
