things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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