You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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