just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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