what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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