if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
