I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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