My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
