I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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