Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
