In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
