Your dad touched me again.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
