watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
