I wanna bring you to show and tell
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
