Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
