Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
