Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
