I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
