life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
