I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
