I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
