just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
