how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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