i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
