Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
