1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
