Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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