I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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