i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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