Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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