I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
please come you make the beer taste better
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
