take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
