when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
