i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
