please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
