My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
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In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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