Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
